27 September 2009

Home is where the heart is...

and yet where is home when your heart is torn in two?

I am home. There is no question about that. Being home with Mom and Dad is possibly the most healing thing that I can do for myself right now. It's good to be with them, and not be alone at night, to take a break from the constant worry of daily life.

There is a joy in riding down the country roads with Dad in his pick-up truck, windows open, talking enough, but mostly just being in each other's company, listening to the radio and occasionally singing along to the same songs. Working with him to unload the branches from the truck and trailer and listening to his plans for the next house projects and knowing that I will be able to work with him on those too.

There is a joy in sitting in church with Dad and listening to Mom give a worship service and to be in the presence of those people who have been praying so much for me and the kids and who continue to pray. To be able to say that I'm looking for a job and hear someone say that they will keep their eye out for something. To be fully welcomed in a community as one of their own is an indescribable feeling.

There is something about this land as well. Something that calls me home here. It's not my mountains where I really long to be, but there is a freshness here. This open land dotted with fields and houses, horses and the occasional oil well. The open road that connects the farms to the small towns and then to the larger communities. The same open road that you could follow and in no time end up in another state. The star-studded night sky that is an amazing sight to behold, when it's not cloudy. I feel a peace in this land.

But only half of my heart is here, the other half is still in Florida. There is a constant nagging sadness, and no matter how happy and at peace I will feel here, that sadness will not go away. I miss my babies. I long to hug them and hold them. I look at their pictures constantly. And yet, I know that I must face this difficult time in order to discover the sweet rewards on the other side.

18 September 2009

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley."

OK, so life doesn't always hand you what you expect, and the best laid plans are often changed...I'm learning that these days...it's not an easy lesson to learn.

But before there are any more changes in my life, there are some good things going on too.

I met up with my dear friend Stephanie this week, she is at a crossroads in her life right now and I am so excited for her. She's on her way to France to teach English in a high school for 7 months. She will be fantastic!

This weekend I'm taking my kiddos to Disney, thanks to my Aunt Mary and Uncle Tim! When my dad was here and we drove down to Orlando to see my grandmother and other family, all the kids could talk about was how much they wanted to go to Disney World...and let me tell you they are so excited! Margaret wants to see Little Mermaid and Pooh, I haven't seen Joseph this excited and happy in so long and Elisabeth is excited in a cool middle school way ;) I can't wait to share this fun with them!

And then life will continue, with the all the joys that go along with it...I'm looking forward to seeing my Oma and other friends in the near future. There are many decisions to make, many changes to be made, many plans to reevaluate and make anew.

Despite all that has happened, I remain positive, I hold no grudges, I keep strong faith. I must or I could never go on.

"Life may lead you where you least expect but have faith in that you are exactly where you are meant to be." -from the movie Snow Buddies

13 September 2009

and now a sharp turn...still not a dead end...

The results of more court time:
  • The honorable judge reversed his original decision and denied my right to relocate to Indiana with my children.
  • I am still in Florida.
  • We have returned to our 53/47% parenting plan.
  • The children are having a very difficult time.
  • I must now analyze my life and decide on a direction to move toward.
  • I still hold a hope to give my children everything they deserve in their lives.
Please continue your prayers for my family.

The words to this song mean a lot to me right now.