busy, busy bee

I have been very busy in the last couple weeks. It all started with the Habitat build, I got a taste of productivity and a sense of being needed, it was just what I needed to get motivated to moving forward in my life.

So, in the past week or so I have:

• started working, part-time but it's work and I love it
• started singing in the church choir
• continued with my Boundaries class at church
• continued to read my way through the Count of Monte Cristo...and I'm really enjoying this read :)
  
• helped Dad winterize the swimming pool
  
• planted crocus and tulip bulbs in the garden
• started knitting on a new pair of sock for myself
• made progress on knitting my sweater...I've only been working on it since Margaret was born (2 1/2 years!)...I hope I can finish it this year
  
• spackled and sanded the walls in the basement and stairwell (working on a project Mom started)
• painted said walls, the top half of them, the bottom still needs some primer before finishing
• organised my room so that it is now a place of my own...still need to find some pictures to hang on the walls, but at least the packing boxes are no longer taking up space on the floor
• organised my filing cabinet, going through papers from as far back as 12 years ago, throwing away 2 big garbage bags of said papers and appropriately filing the rest
  
• sorted through clothes in my closet and drawers and designated 1 big bag for donations...I still have some to add though
• gotten back to working on my thesis...working on some reading and figuring out my methodology
• created a calendar and to-do list for myself...this consists of projects in the house, knitting projects, scheduled thesis work time and deadlines

All of this has brought me to a sense of belonging...I'm settling in here...I have a purpose...I'm happy...no matter what is thrown my way, I will take it in stride...nothing can bring me down again...

Yes, I have my moments when the tears well up and I wish I could just hold my kids and never let them go, and I sit in their rooms here and hold their stuffed animals and find the strength to go on...I am doing what I need to do for the sake of my kids...and they will know that and appreciate that one day.

In the meantime, I keep busy, I build relationships in this community and I continue to pray for God's will to be done.

finally taking root

The past few weeks have brought some interesting emotional highs and lows. Really, I should know to expect them, they have been a fact of my life for a while now. I guess I was just unprepared because here I was thinking that things were finally settling down and I was beginning to be able to make a new start in life.

I was in desperate need of getting away from it all for a while, I needed the mental break from dealing with the process of establishing a new parenting plan and figuring child-support and the difficulty of making everybody happy in the meantime. I was also due for a visit with my kids, three weeks without them is really tough. So, I took off on a road trip to visit friends and ultimately end up in Gainesville to spend a long weekend with the kiddos.

I left on a Wednesday and drove down to South Carolina to spend a couple days with my dearest friend Carole and her family. Her baby girl is about 3 months old now, and I had not gotten to hug and hold and spoil her. So, baby Emma got a visit from her Auntie Sharon...and I can't wait to go back to see her! Carole and I spent a couple days going shopping, staying up late talking and reminiscing and just generally having a great time together.

Next stop was Virgina to visit another dear friend. Matt just recently started his new job as a French teacher at a private school near South Boston, VA and he happened to be on break this week. It was a wonderful visit, doing a lot of nothing...staying up late, sleeping in, catching up on life...we did take a drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway and also out to Appomattox and into Lynchburg, were we met another very special friend of mine for dinner...Rick and I spent a good amount of time chatting about the old times in high school and where everybody was these days (I'll get up there again soon to see him and his wife and baby). My time in Virginia made me realize how much I really missed it up there.

Then it was on to Gainesville to see my babies. I was dreading this visit for one reason, this was the visit to tell them that I would be staying in Indiana to complete my PhD and that I would see them on a monthly basis and also for school breaks. I think this was one of the hardest things for me to do, ever. After, that hurdle was jumped over, we settled into Becka's home for the weekend and ended up having a decent visit. It was a very stressful visit for me, but I think they will each get better as we all get used to this routine.

This trip happened to coincide with the University of Florida's homecoming weekend and so I took the kids to the homecoming parade and we watched the Gator game together. I also bought them each their Halloween costumes and we played in a park. We went to church and just generally tried to spend some good time together...it was difficult to tear them away from the computer and TV at times, but I'll figure out how to prioritize my time with them a little better for the next time.

Coming back to Indiana was both difficult and easy. I discovered that I really do not enjoy being in Florida anymore, particularly when its almost 90 degrees in October, but coming back home, with no job and having to face the reality of my life was not a pleasant thought either. I had some really tough moments with Mom & Dad, figuring out where we all are in this process emotionally, figuring out how much more we can handle...and I think that we are ready for whatever is yet to come.

I took a drive up to Bloomington to finally meet Dr. Auger and see the campus...I think I'll love it there. Dr. Auger is a wonderful person and I really look forward to working with her over the next few years and the campus is simply beautiful!

I also found a job, well, mom helped me find it. I start tomorrow, working in a daycare center, part-time, but it's a job, I can't turn it down when there are no other offers. I'm building relationships with people in the church, finally getting out to meet people. Dad and I worked on a Habitat build this weekend, good, quality time with other people, something I've been in need of.

So, this past week, I went from feeling like I was floating around with no place to call my own, to finally feeling like I'm taking root in this community and in this state. I think I'll be okay here...it might still take a little more time...but I'll be okay.

life in small-town USA

This week brought a true taste of what life is like in a small farming community. This Saturday was the church's 2nd annual hog roast. These types of social events are a huge part of little Mt. Vernon. Every church has an annual social...pork chop dinners, hog roasts, the list is incredibly long for a town of 7500 people (there are a lot of churches here). Mom's church does the hog roast...a time for working together, fellowship, food and fun. It was so good to be a part of it, these are hard-working people and it is good to work alongside good people.


I came to Mom's office with her several days this week too...I'm not sure how she ever gets anything done...she pretty much has a revolving door, there is always someone coming in, for some reason or another. I also went and got my Indiana driver's license...and I had to take the written test to get it! I've also been filling out job applications...need to find something to start paying all those bills I have :)


This week is road trip time! The plan is to visit some friends and then back down to Florida to see the kids...I can't wait! It'll be good to be with friends again, I really miss my friends...and, more than anything, I can't wait to hug and hold my babies :)

Home is where the heart is...

and yet where is home when your heart is torn in two?

I am home. There is no question about that. Being home with Mom and Dad is possibly the most healing thing that I can do for myself right now. It's good to be with them, and not be alone at night, to take a break from the constant worry of daily life.

There is a joy in riding down the country roads with Dad in his pick-up truck, windows open, talking enough, but mostly just being in each other's company, listening to the radio and occasionally singing along to the same songs. Working with him to unload the branches from the truck and trailer and listening to his plans for the next house projects and knowing that I will be able to work with him on those too.

There is a joy in sitting in church with Dad and listening to Mom give a worship service and to be in the presence of those people who have been praying so much for me and the kids and who continue to pray. To be able to say that I'm looking for a job and hear someone say that they will keep their eye out for something. To be fully welcomed in a community as one of their own is an indescribable feeling.

There is something about this land as well. Something that calls me home here. It's not my mountains where I really long to be, but there is a freshness here. This open land dotted with fields and houses, horses and the occasional oil well. The open road that connects the farms to the small towns and then to the larger communities. The same open road that you could follow and in no time end up in another state. The star-studded night sky that is an amazing sight to behold, when it's not cloudy. I feel a peace in this land.

But only half of my heart is here, the other half is still in Florida. There is a constant nagging sadness, and no matter how happy and at peace I will feel here, that sadness will not go away. I miss my babies. I long to hug them and hold them. I look at their pictures constantly. And yet, I know that I must face this difficult time in order to discover the sweet rewards on the other side.

"Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"
-Rodney Atkins

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley."

OK, so life doesn't always hand you what you expect, and the best laid plans are often changed...I'm learning that these days...it's not an easy lesson to learn.

But before there are any more changes in my life, there are some good things going on too.

I met up with my dear friend Stephanie this week, she is at a crossroads in her life right now and I am so excited for her. She's on her way to France to teach English in a high school for 7 months. She will be fantastic!

This weekend I'm taking my kiddos to Disney, thanks to my Aunt Mary and Uncle Tim! When my dad was here and we drove down to Orlando to see my grandmother and other family, all the kids could talk about was how much they wanted to go to Disney World...and let me tell you they are so excited! Margaret wants to see Little Mermaid and Pooh, I haven't seen Joseph this excited and happy in so long and Elisabeth is excited in a cool middle school way ;) I can't wait to share this fun with them!

And then life will continue, with the all the joys that go along with it...I'm looking forward to seeing my Oma and other friends in the near future. There are many decisions to make, many changes to be made, many plans to reevaluate and make anew.

Despite all that has happened, I remain positive, I hold no grudges, I keep strong faith. I must or I could never go on.



"Life may lead you where you least expect but have faith in that you are exactly where you are meant to be." -from the movie Snow Buddies

and now a sharp turn...still not a dead end...

The results of more court time:

• The honorable judge reversed his original decision and denied my right to relocate to Indiana with my children.
• I am still in Florida.
• We have returned to our 53/47% parenting plan.
• The children are having a very difficult time.
  
• I must now analyze my life and decide on a direction to move toward.
• I still hold a hope to give my children everything they deserve in their lives.

Please continue your prayers for my family.

The words to this song mean a lot to me right now.

A bump in the road...

So, after a week in beautiful southern Indiana, I am back in Gainesville with my three kids. We have hit a bump in the road that needs to be navigated. More court time is in our future.

I will not say any more at this point in the process. I only ask for continued prayers for everyone involved in this situation...especially the kids.



"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others throw at him or her." - David Brinkley, TV newscaster