With the ups and downs in my life lately, sometimes it just seems easier to resort to dreams. I seem to go through cycles lately, passing from nights of wakefulness when I am happy to just catch two or three hours of restless sleep to nights of such deep, dreamless sleep that leave me feeling just as tired as those sleepless ones.
But my favorite nights are the dream-filled ones, ones where I awake with such a feeling of warmth from all the positive thoughts swimming around in my head, ones I emerge from and want to immediately retreat back into their cozy cocoon. I have cycled back to these dream-filled nights and I am quite happy here. These nights leave me feeling that there are good things just on the horizon, I only need to reach it.
This is probably one of the most transitional times I've experienced in my life, and also one of the most uncertain. The negativity surrounding this relocation case and the uncertainty of it is starting to take it's toll on me. I am finding I need more and more self-reassurance that it will work out according to God's will. And I find myself retreating more and more into my own dream world, an attempt to escape from the harsh reality of it all and to try to find a sliver of good in this life I live.
I have experienced many blessings along the way, and I relish each and every happy moment I have. I must, when without fail, the best days are turned sour. I long for the time when I can savor my joy for as long as I wish, and not allow it to be taken away by anyone else. Knowing that I cannot change anyone but myself, I am personally working toward this, it is a difficult road, requiring me to change thought processes that have been ingrained for more than 10 years.
In the meantime, I go through the motions: I teach, I work, I take care of my kids, I take care of myself, I dance, I write...and I dream, wishing all the while that they would only come true.