12 June 2009

a dream is a wish your heart makes...

With the ups and downs in my life lately, sometimes it just seems easier to resort to dreams. I seem to go through cycles lately, passing from nights of wakefulness when I am happy to just catch two or three hours of restless sleep to nights of such deep, dreamless sleep that leave me feeling just as tired as those sleepless ones.

But my favorite nights are the dream-filled ones, ones where I awake with such a feeling of warmth from all the positive thoughts swimming around in my head, ones I emerge from and want to immediately retreat back into their cozy cocoon. I have cycled back to these dream-filled nights and I am quite happy here. These nights leave me feeling that there are good things just on the horizon, I only need to reach it.

This is probably one of the most transitional times I've experienced in my life, and also one of the most uncertain. The negativity surrounding this relocation case and the uncertainty of it is starting to take it's toll on me. I am finding I need more and more self-reassurance that it will work out according to God's will. And I find myself retreating more and more into my own dream world, an attempt to escape from the harsh reality of it all and to try to find a sliver of good in this life I live.

I have experienced many blessings along the way, and I relish each and every happy moment I have. I must, when without fail, the best days are turned sour. I long for the time when I can savor my joy for as long as I wish, and not allow it to be taken away by anyone else. Knowing that I cannot change anyone but myself, I am personally working toward this, it is a difficult road, requiring me to change thought processes that have been ingrained for more than 10 years.

In the meantime, I go through the motions: I teach, I work, I take care of my kids, I take care of myself, I dance, I write...and I dream, wishing all the while that they would only come true.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A dream is only a dream in the true eyes of the beholder. God's will is only the beginning of the long journey ahead, and when one plays the Devil, one can only be such. The past 10 years were not ingrained, yet more allowed by you.

If there is hope on the horizon, it is for you to find your voice. A positive voice which God gave to you to use for good, not evil. A voice you chose to keep silent for 10 years. Let go of your anger, and find the same peace outside you find in your dreams inside.

There is so much sadness inside of you. One cannot heal until they forgive. Pray for not only yourself, but for your enemies, or those who appear to you now to be enemies. Those same people are praying for you, and are not now, nor have they ever been an enemy to you. Your sadness and anger will only continue to take you down one path. The negativity is only a means to an end. This must end. Listen to your children. They have spoken to you more than once as to their dreams. let go and for once, accept you may not get your way, but in the end, your life will be what you make of it. You choose your final resting place with God. All of this is no more than wasted time. End this. Only you can.